Hitting Rock Bottom

Anybody who has read my posts could have seen that I struggle to feel even a little good about myself. I blame things in my relationship on my weight. I have cried in the shower more times than I would like to admit. I disappeared from here as my whole life seemed to have gone up in flames. I didn’t take care of myself through the destruction. I slipped and gained all of the weight right back, not that I had managed to lose a lot. My heart still hurts, and the stress is eating away at me day in and day out, but I have come to peace with the changes in life and am ready to move forward.

All of my concerns for my relationship were not in vain. Although none of the issues were about me, but about his own mental demons, my fears came to light. He is leaving. This happened days after my last post. We have been living together still for the last 2 months and have 1 more to go. During my hiatus I have been trying to come to terms with this and understand how it’s happened. How does somebody who still says they’re madly in love with you still want to leave? Mental illness is a bitch that’s all I know. Not only have I been struggling with the heartbreak, but the financial burden of it all as well. I’ve applied for a mortgage that is supposedly impossible not to get, though I’m not holding my breath. I’ve been hunting down apartments and looking at houses. Do you know how difficult it is to find a rental with dogs? Did I mention one of the dogs is a pitbull? I’ve started working a second job to attempt to make ends meet and save to move. I’ve been trying to keep my kids together through all of this. My daughter is an emotional mess between losing the only father figure she ever had to leaving a school she loves and her sports teams. So, naturally I turned to food to suppress the sadness, anger, and fear of what’s to come.

I spent two months wallowing in ice cream and fast food. Finally one day I looked in the mirror as I got out of the shower. I mean REALLY looked at myself. I was ashamed. Not just because I’ve gained weight, but because of how I let myself go mentally and emotionally. What happened to the strong person that I use to be? Where the hell was she? In that moment I decided enough was enough. How could I try to teach my children to be strong and independent individuals if I couldn’t do it myself? How could I tell them that they need to love every inch of their body and to appreciate their mind if I couldn’t do it? How can I look at them and let them know that they can’t allow otShower Cryinghers to bring them down and to effect their mental and emotional well being when I allowed it? That’s it. I’m done. All of these new changes are here having been forced upon me. It’s time to make a complete change. Screw everybody who made me feel like crap including that little voice inside of my head. I’ve never actually felt so ready for change as I do now. I want this.

I started my new lifestyle, let’s not call it a diet, on Monday. I already feel SO much better. No more of this “let’s take baby steps” crap. I jumped right in. I’ve started using the 21 Day Fix plan which so far is AMAZING! I can tell you that I haven’t finished my allotted food at all this week. I’ve been so full. I’ve been drinking more than enough water and have been doing the T25 Focus Workouts. Can I tell you that for 25 minutes of working out I feel dead after. Once I shower though my energy level is already soaring.

For the first time in years I actually feel good about myself. I’ve lost 5.2lbs already and it’s only been 3 full days. I feel full and satisfied. I have more energy despite working 65 hours a week and being a single mom of 2. This. Is. Amazing. I seriously hope that any of you out there that are teetering where I was fall over to this side of the fence. Let’s do this together. I’ll be sharing a lot of information about the 21 Day Fix as we move forward including some recipes.

Have any of you tried the 21 Day Fix? What were your results?

Moving my Fat Butt….

I haven’t weighed myself in several days now. I decided to stop obsessing and stepping on the scale once or twice a day. I have given up and will now only pull that cursed hung of plastic out from under the closet once per week. I’m concerned about tomorrow. I don’t feel like I’ve lost any weight. I don’t feel any different. My clothes fit the same. I’m eating fairly healthy.

So what should be the next change? Exercise seems to be one piece that I’m missing. Contrary to what you may believe I use to love to exercise. I went to the gym at least once a day, many times up to three times a day. I was obsessive with it. It seems to be how I’m made up. I’m actually a member of a gym, but I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been there. Honestly, I find the gym boring. I use to go with friends, but I have nobody locally any more. I’d much rather be outside. So, I decided to start walking more. I think it’s a good gateway back into the world of working out.

I dragged my daughter out for a hike on Monday. I’m not positive how long we went, but using google eIMG_1084arth it looks to be about 3 miles. We live on 16 acres with state forests behind us. We started out down through our property to the snowmobile trail that runs perpendicular to us, and made our first stop the cow field. Unfortunately the cows were just too far away to get some good photographs of them, of course I didn’t think to bring my telephoto lens.

After attempting to convince them to come closer by mooing, whistling, calling, tapping the gate, etc we finally gave up and made our way to a pond that is situated right in the middle of the state forest. I mean, no trail actually goes to this pond. Well, maybe on the other side of the pond, but not from where we are. It’s a peaceful place. In the early spring there were a few pairs of herons nesting in the trees. There are at least 4 beaver dams spotted through the area, and you can see stumps of trees where they had taken trees. There was one very large tree with scrape marks from their teeth that I think they had underestimated. They hardly made a dent in it.

Today I took Halo on a quick walk during a break at work. We just went down our dirt driveway, turned right onto our road, took another right onto a little cul-de-sac, and then came back. It was interesting to me that although I was hot and sweaty during our hike I wasn’t really sore at all. Today my joints felt like they were going to die doing this 3/4 of a mile walk. My right side from the waist down was stiff and had shooting pain. Does anybody actually stretch before walking? Maybe I should start. I’m wondering if the surface has something to do with it. I was on a natural surface almost the whole time on Monday, yet this was a sand driveway and the street where I was sore. I’ll be heading out in the woods shortly again for a small little hike around the property and to let our dogs run. It’ll be interesting to see if there’s a difference.

I added a couple of mobile apps to my phone for walking. I’m not sure how much I like them yet, because I’ve only used them once. I really like the concept of one of them. This app is called WoofTrax. Being an animal lover I was drawn to thithumbnail_Screenshot_20160824-151228s right away. Once you download the app you can create a profile for each of your dogs and choose a shelter or rescue. Every time you take your dog for a walk you choose the dog you’re walking and carry your phone along. Every time you walk your dog they donate to your rescue of choice. You’re walking anyway, might as well help animals in need while doing it!

The second app that I downloaded is MapMyWalk. This app seems like it’s going to be great. I tried it out for the first time today on the short walk I took Halo on earlier. I like that it saves your previous walks so you can see how you’ve improved, or can choose a same walk based on time/distance. You can also see routes that others took in your area. I was surprised to see routes from at least 4 different people just off of my street alone. You can also set goals, follow training plans, and choose how you completed your route (bike, jog, run, walking dog, etc). You can add friends for support as well. I’d love for all of you who download the MapMyWalk app to find me and add me as a friend. You can find me by searching for my email address, pittylova@hotmail.com.

You can download both apps at the Google Play Store, or at the iTunes Store for iPhone. They are both my favorite kind of apps, FREE!

Do you find that you’re body reacts differently from exercising on different surfaces? Do you have any mobile app suggestions that can help with exercise or weight loss?