A Struggling Soul

Well, it’s been a rough couple of days. I mentally broke Thursday night. I don’t know what set me off. It started as me just simply wanting to be a lone, although I knew my kids and boyfriend were all going to be gone for the weekend. Normally that would make me want to spend more time with them. But as soon as the kids were tucked in I found myself flopped on our bed staring off into space. My mind was empty. Maybe it was him going away for the weekend that began to break me. I’ve already been teetering. I trust him, but some times there’s always that little voice in the back of my mind “but you’re gross…bet if a hot chick’s there he won’t think twice”. I didn’t hear the voice, but perhaps it was there? Was it the fact that he was leaving and deep inside I know I need him to help me through this, although I can’t bring myself to talk to him about any of it? I don’t know, because like I said I was empty. My mind was silent, my heart felt like it had shriveled to nothing, and my soul felt like it no longer existed.

As I laid there staring off he came in and leaned on the bed trying to engage. I remember looking at him and nodding in agreement to whatever he was saying. I don’t remember what it was, or if I ever really followed the words that flowed from his mouth. I vaguely remember the video he showed me of a very large rattle snake that was at his uncle’s house. My response was “cool”. I like snakes, I find them fascinating. That’s when everything officially broke inside. “You’re dumb”. It’s not the first time that he’s said it, and I know it’s not really meant as a personal attack. It never bothered me before. But I immediately felt my throat tighten and my eyes sting. My heart was definitely steal there as I could now feel it’s anguish. I simply rolled over and held my breath until he gave up and wandered out of the bedroom. As my breath hissed out from between my teeth the tears flowed. I sobbed for what seemed like forever. My face smashed into the pillow so he wouldn’t hear me.

I thought I had nothing left. It had to be all over. I pushed the one pillow aside that was now sopping wet. He crawled into bed only moments later and it began again. I couldn’t hold it back so I hopped out of bed and scurried into the living room closing the door behind me. I curled up on the couch the tears a never ending, silent stream down either side of my face. There I stayed, lying awake for the remainder of the night. 6am my alarm went off and it was time to start my day. It was Friday morning. I had to drop the kids off at their summer programs, and he was leaving for his weekend away. I still hadn’t talked to him. I took the opportunity as he went to use the bathroom to run into the bedroom and get dressed. I never undress in front of him. Who would want to look at me? He didn’t take as long as expected so I grabbed the remainder of my clothes and scooted to the bathroom to finish dressing. I heard him calling after me, “it’s not like I haven’t seen it before”. Oh I knew…and I felt sorry for him.

As we finished getting ourselves ready he blocked my way out of the office. A hug….who knew that such a simple thing could make me boil over with emotion? He wrapped his arms around me and asked what was wrong with me. It wastreesn’t his usual smart ass “what the hell is wrong with you”. It was sincere. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. My eyes had welled up again. I really needed that. I needed to not feel so alone. I needed to feel like somebody gave a crap. I needed to know he was paying attention. Yet, why can’t I talk about it?

I took a couple more days to emotionally heal. I had Friday off from work. Originally I was planning on going with him for the weekend. He had asked me to go, told me he really wanted me to. I had made arrangements and then no longer wanted to. I’m fat and have a snoring issue because of it. I didn’t want to share a room with his friends. I didn’t want to stay at his friends’ house. So, when I found out most of them were taking the motorcycles and I MAY have to drive alone I took that as an opportunity to not have to go. I never got my passport so even if sculpture parkthings changed I wouldn’t have to go. I was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. So I took all three dogs for a hike on the property and then packed up my younger dog and headed over to the lake.

It was actually an enjoyable day. We walked through sculpture park. Meredith, NH is quite busy in the summer time. There were people bustling every where although it was during a weekday. It was just what I wanted though. I do competitions with Halo, my American Pitbull Terrier (who has her own blog….though I have to do some work on it before I get it going steady), so it was a good training opportunity. We trained, I let her swim, we trained some more. It was good to get my mind off of things, to let me work on something I love doing, spend some time with my favorite pooch, expose people to the breed in a positive manner, and to just be outside in the beautiful summer weather.

withhaloI had big plans for yesterday as well. I was going to get out into the woods and take some photographs after cleaning the house in the morning. There’s a field a short hike from my property with cows there, and I wanted to photograph them. After I was done there I was going to camp out along the pond and see what I could find. I cleaned the house and went to plug my phone in next to my bed so it would be fully charged when I headed out. The next thing that I know it’s dark outside. The exhaustion from my mental and emotional gymnastics must have finally kicked in. I at least cleaned.

During those two days my diet was off. I didn’t eat enough, and I didn’t eat right. I think that I just couldn’t deal with that one more thing to worry about. My soul needed to heal. Today is a new day though and I’m hoping I can get on track. I’m feeling a little better. I have to be out of here in a few hours to fetch children, but in the mean time I’m going to go find those cows.

What are some ways that you heal yourself?

2 thoughts on “A Struggling Soul

  1. Sableyes says:

    Hugs to you. Glad your weekend kinda worked out.

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