How Did I Get Here?

Weight effects us in so many ways. We have the obvious effects. When we first start to gain there’s the issue of our jeans becoming a little snug, that sexy, black dress doesn’t fall just right anymore, and the bands on our underwear begin to scoot off of our growing rumps from the elastic stretching. Not long after it becomes more and more difficult to get around. Walking up the stairs causes you to lose your breath, playing games outside becomes increasingly more strenuous, and your energy plummets. Then come the health concerns. Your joints hurt, you have all sorts of aches and pains, maybe you can’t sleep well any more, you run the risk of high blood pressure, diabetes is a word thrown around all too often, liver disease, heart disease, kidney disease, and this only names a few. One of the ways it effects many of us isn’t a disease, and it isn’t visible. I don’t often hear the mental and emotional struggles spoken of too often.

Anybody who knows me on a personal level will tell you for certain that I’m a quiet, unemotional person. Only those the closest to me know otherwise, and even I surprise them some times when I talk about what’s going on inside this head of mine. The truth is for as long as I can possibly remember I’ve built a wall. And I mean, this is one serious wall. It’s no flimsy piece of drywall, I’m talking steel surrounded by stone. Like…I think my wall outdoes any castle in history. Emotion is hidden deep within that wall and very few ever see it’s glimmer. Honestly, I surprise myself some times! This has led to the demise of that once aesthetically pleasing physique.

wall_stock_by_colourize_stockFood is comfort and assists in suppressing the emotions. Prior to getting pregnant with my daughter my emotional outlet was much more healthy. I use to ride and train horses every single day, and I went to the gym at least once a day. With the addition of a newborn I was thrown violently into adulthood as a single parent. I lost the time I had while in college to go to the gym. I lost the funds to own a horse so she was sold. I lost the time to go to a barn and ride. So, I turned to food. I was depressed. And honestly I feel like most people would never have known, even those who were closest. I was good at hiding everything. Truth be told I would have denied it if anybody said otherwise. Not because I wanted to hide it, but because it was hidden so deep within me that I couldn’t see it myself. Isn’t that how parents just feel? Like they’re dead inside and they go through the motions of raising and caring for their child? No, it’s not how it’s supposed to be, and I’m aware of that after much self examination.

I wasn’t always in a depressed state over the last 10 years. There have been good times. There has been much fun had where I was actually happy. But at the end of the good time all it took was for me to see the pictures from that day and the downward spiral would begin again.

Here’s where this whole analysis of my emotions and mind take a funny twist.

See, I’m not an overly emotional person and value the fact that I can think more logically about things than most women I know (let’s face it, us females tend to be naturally emotional creatures). Therefore, I like to analyze everything including the people around me. I was always secretly scared to do it to myself. Did I really want to go into why I did certain things and felt certain ways? Would that force me to be in touch with those emotions? One day, not too long ago, I went into a heavy downward spiral again. Crazy thoughts began to flood my mind and even though I knew they were nuts I just couldn’t help myself.

All of us who decide it’s time to make more healthy choices have something that makes us snap out of this indulgencetexture__marble_by_mehreenfreed stage. We spend months or years gaining and feeling horrible about ourselves. I know that maybe logically my reasons probably aren’t the best, but whatever makes me change, huh? See, I’m with this guy. This isn’t our first time together, we took a break previously for his own personal reasons. We live together with my 2 kids. He’s great with the kids, and he does right by our little family. Then I went into this dark place again. I began (and admittedly still do) picking apart everything he did or didn’t do and taking it to heart. He’s not a very affectionate person by nature, and he has his own demons he deals with. My mind would swirl, “why doesn’t he ever want to kiss me, what the hell do I have to do just for a hug – I really could use one, why does he seem uninterested, he never wants to spend time with me – it’s always about his friends and his club…” The thoughts consume me at times. Then I came across a picture of him and his ex-wife, and would think of the pictures I had seen previously….”you know, he never looks at me like that….obviously he cared more for her than he does me, he has yet to tell me he loves me since the first time we were together….” They continued to get worse and worse, filling my mind on a daily basis, often for a large part of the day. I had come to the realization that he didn’t want to touch me because I’m gross. Our sex life has dwindled down to the occasional “let’s get it over with” quick exercise because he can’t stomach me. He doesn’t, and may never, look at me like that because I’m fat. My mind knows better, but I still can’t stop feeling this way. And so I decided to change.

I know that nobody should change to make a guy happy. Truth be told I don’t think he cares as much as I feel he does. Isn’t it strange how you feel certain ways even when you know you’re an idiot? That was definitely the final push to make me want to fix myself. However, I also have become very antisocial, because I don’t like showing myself in public to people. I’m grouchy and tired all of the time because I don’t sleep well from the snoring due to being overweight. Plus, I got tired of hiding in the shower to cry, because, ya’know, I can’t show the weakness. So there ARE other reasons, so don’t be too harsh on me!

My curious mind wants to know if I’m the only one who is crazy and had something like this for the final push for them to get their act together? What finally made you decide to make a change?

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