How to Fall in Love with Yourself

This post hit close to home. Anybody who read over my last few posts could certain see what a disaster I was inside. Do I love myself? No. I will openly admit that to all of you. I wish I could, and I once did. One of these days I hope to get back to that form of me. The me that did love herself. I hope to follow some of this advice to get there again. If you struggle to love yourself please follow along with me. None of us should feel that emptiness.

Moving my Fat Butt….

I haven’t weighed myself in several days now. I decided to stop obsessing and stepping on the scale once or twice a day. I have given up and will now only pull that cursed hung of plastic out from under the closet once per week. I’m concerned about tomorrow. I don’t feel like I’ve lost any weight. I don’t feel any different. My clothes fit the same. I’m eating fairly healthy.

So what should be the next change? Exercise seems to be one piece that I’m missing. Contrary to what you may believe I use to love to exercise. I went to the gym at least once a day, many times up to three times a day. I was obsessive with it. It seems to be how I’m made up. I’m actually a member of a gym, but I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been there. Honestly, I find the gym boring. I use to go with friends, but I have nobody locally any more. I’d much rather be outside. So, I decided to start walking more. I think it’s a good gateway back into the world of working out.

I dragged my daughter out for a hike on Monday. I’m not positive how long we went, but using google eIMG_1084arth it looks to be about 3 miles. We live on 16 acres with state forests behind us. We started out down through our property to the snowmobile trail that runs perpendicular to us, and made our first stop the cow field. Unfortunately the cows were just too far away to get some good photographs of them, of course I didn’t think to bring my telephoto lens.

After attempting to convince them to come closer by mooing, whistling, calling, tapping the gate, etc we finally gave up and made our way to a pond that is situated right in the middle of the state forest. I mean, no trail actually goes to this pond. Well, maybe on the other side of the pond, but not from where we are. It’s a peaceful place. In the early spring there were a few pairs of herons nesting in the trees. There are at least 4 beaver dams spotted through the area, and you can see stumps of trees where they had taken trees. There was one very large tree with scrape marks from their teeth that I think they had underestimated. They hardly made a dent in it.

Today I took Halo on a quick walk during a break at work. We just went down our dirt driveway, turned right onto our road, took another right onto a little cul-de-sac, and then came back. It was interesting to me that although I was hot and sweaty during our hike I wasn’t really sore at all. Today my joints felt like they were going to die doing this 3/4 of a mile walk. My right side from the waist down was stiff and had shooting pain. Does anybody actually stretch before walking? Maybe I should start. I’m wondering if the surface has something to do with it. I was on a natural surface almost the whole time on Monday, yet this was a sand driveway and the street where I was sore. I’ll be heading out in the woods shortly again for a small little hike around the property and to let our dogs run. It’ll be interesting to see if there’s a difference.

I added a couple of mobile apps to my phone for walking. I’m not sure how much I like them yet, because I’ve only used them once. I really like the concept of one of them. This app is called WoofTrax. Being an animal lover I was drawn to thithumbnail_Screenshot_20160824-151228s right away. Once you download the app you can create a profile for each of your dogs and choose a shelter or rescue. Every time you take your dog for a walk you choose the dog you’re walking and carry your phone along. Every time you walk your dog they donate to your rescue of choice. You’re walking anyway, might as well help animals in need while doing it!

The second app that I downloaded is MapMyWalk. This app seems like it’s going to be great. I tried it out for the first time today on the short walk I took Halo on earlier. I like that it saves your previous walks so you can see how you’ve improved, or can choose a same walk based on time/distance. You can also see routes that others took in your area. I was surprised to see routes from at least 4 different people just off of my street alone. You can also set goals, follow training plans, and choose how you completed your route (bike, jog, run, walking dog, etc). You can add friends for support as well. I’d love for all of you who download the MapMyWalk app to find me and add me as a friend. You can find me by searching for my email address, pittylova@hotmail.com.

You can download both apps at the Google Play Store, or at the iTunes Store for iPhone. They are both my favorite kind of apps, FREE!

Do you find that you’re body reacts differently from exercising on different surfaces? Do you have any mobile app suggestions that can help with exercise or weight loss?

A Struggling Soul

Well, it’s been a rough couple of days. I mentally broke Thursday night. I don’t know what set me off. It started as me just simply wanting to be a lone, although I knew my kids and boyfriend were all going to be gone for the weekend. Normally that would make me want to spend more time with them. But as soon as the kids were tucked in I found myself flopped on our bed staring off into space. My mind was empty. Maybe it was him going away for the weekend that began to break me. I’ve already been teetering. I trust him, but some times there’s always that little voice in the back of my mind “but you’re gross…bet if a hot chick’s there he won’t think twice”. I didn’t hear the voice, but perhaps it was there? Was it the fact that he was leaving and deep inside I know I need him to help me through this, although I can’t bring myself to talk to him about any of it? I don’t know, because like I said I was empty. My mind was silent, my heart felt like it had shriveled to nothing, and my soul felt like it no longer existed.

As I laid there staring off he came in and leaned on the bed trying to engage. I remember looking at him and nodding in agreement to whatever he was saying. I don’t remember what it was, or if I ever really followed the words that flowed from his mouth. I vaguely remember the video he showed me of a very large rattle snake that was at his uncle’s house. My response was “cool”. I like snakes, I find them fascinating. That’s when everything officially broke inside. “You’re dumb”. It’s not the first time that he’s said it, and I know it’s not really meant as a personal attack. It never bothered me before. But I immediately felt my throat tighten and my eyes sting. My heart was definitely steal there as I could now feel it’s anguish. I simply rolled over and held my breath until he gave up and wandered out of the bedroom. As my breath hissed out from between my teeth the tears flowed. I sobbed for what seemed like forever. My face smashed into the pillow so he wouldn’t hear me.

I thought I had nothing left. It had to be all over. I pushed the one pillow aside that was now sopping wet. He crawled into bed only moments later and it began again. I couldn’t hold it back so I hopped out of bed and scurried into the living room closing the door behind me. I curled up on the couch the tears a never ending, silent stream down either side of my face. There I stayed, lying awake for the remainder of the night. 6am my alarm went off and it was time to start my day. It was Friday morning. I had to drop the kids off at their summer programs, and he was leaving for his weekend away. I still hadn’t talked to him. I took the opportunity as he went to use the bathroom to run into the bedroom and get dressed. I never undress in front of him. Who would want to look at me? He didn’t take as long as expected so I grabbed the remainder of my clothes and scooted to the bathroom to finish dressing. I heard him calling after me, “it’s not like I haven’t seen it before”. Oh I knew…and I felt sorry for him.

As we finished getting ourselves ready he blocked my way out of the office. A hug….who knew that such a simple thing could make me boil over with emotion? He wrapped his arms around me and asked what was wrong with me. It wastreesn’t his usual smart ass “what the hell is wrong with you”. It was sincere. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. My eyes had welled up again. I really needed that. I needed to not feel so alone. I needed to feel like somebody gave a crap. I needed to know he was paying attention. Yet, why can’t I talk about it?

I took a couple more days to emotionally heal. I had Friday off from work. Originally I was planning on going with him for the weekend. He had asked me to go, told me he really wanted me to. I had made arrangements and then no longer wanted to. I’m fat and have a snoring issue because of it. I didn’t want to share a room with his friends. I didn’t want to stay at his friends’ house. So, when I found out most of them were taking the motorcycles and I MAY have to drive alone I took that as an opportunity to not have to go. I never got my passport so even if sculpture parkthings changed I wouldn’t have to go. I was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. So I took all three dogs for a hike on the property and then packed up my younger dog and headed over to the lake.

It was actually an enjoyable day. We walked through sculpture park. Meredith, NH is quite busy in the summer time. There were people bustling every where although it was during a weekday. It was just what I wanted though. I do competitions with Halo, my American Pitbull Terrier (who has her own blog….though I have to do some work on it before I get it going steady), so it was a good training opportunity. We trained, I let her swim, we trained some more. It was good to get my mind off of things, to let me work on something I love doing, spend some time with my favorite pooch, expose people to the breed in a positive manner, and to just be outside in the beautiful summer weather.

withhaloI had big plans for yesterday as well. I was going to get out into the woods and take some photographs after cleaning the house in the morning. There’s a field a short hike from my property with cows there, and I wanted to photograph them. After I was done there I was going to camp out along the pond and see what I could find. I cleaned the house and went to plug my phone in next to my bed so it would be fully charged when I headed out. The next thing that I know it’s dark outside. The exhaustion from my mental and emotional gymnastics must have finally kicked in. I at least cleaned.

During those two days my diet was off. I didn’t eat enough, and I didn’t eat right. I think that I just couldn’t deal with that one more thing to worry about. My soul needed to heal. Today is a new day though and I’m hoping I can get on track. I’m feeling a little better. I have to be out of here in a few hours to fetch children, but in the mean time I’m going to go find those cows.

What are some ways that you heal yourself?

Weightless

I came across this post. Its an interesting view from a doctor about weight. My last doctor never mentioned my weight. I’d get a print out with a visit summary and in small type there would be a mention of healthy eating. I wish she had mentioned something about it. Although I do think lifestyle may be a good way to ioen discussion. It may seem much less embarrassing to some of us chunkers 🙂 what are your thoughts?

Behind the White Coat


I struggle with how to discuss the topic of weight with patients. I also struggle with how to discuss it here on my blog. I have dozens of half written posts litering the notebook app on my iPhone. I decided finally to stop second guessing myself and just dive right into the deep end.

The thing about weight, as you already know, is that it is terribly emotional. People skip out on needed doctor visits, especially after the holidays, because I *might* bring up their weight. I have worked hard trying to find compassionate ways to discuss weight with patients because I struggle with my own weight, but even that fails all too often. I feel like I should be better at this.

But I’m not.

As I was working my way through this yearly “open book test” thing for maintenance of my board certification last week, I realized that…

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How Did I Get Here?

Weight effects us in so many ways. We have the obvious effects. When we first start to gain there’s the issue of our jeans becoming a little snug, that sexy, black dress doesn’t fall just right anymore, and the bands on our underwear begin to scoot off of our growing rumps from the elastic stretching. Not long after it becomes more and more difficult to get around. Walking up the stairs causes you to lose your breath, playing games outside becomes increasingly more strenuous, and your energy plummets. Then come the health concerns. Your joints hurt, you have all sorts of aches and pains, maybe you can’t sleep well any more, you run the risk of high blood pressure, diabetes is a word thrown around all too often, liver disease, heart disease, kidney disease, and this only names a few. One of the ways it effects many of us isn’t a disease, and it isn’t visible. I don’t often hear the mental and emotional struggles spoken of too often.

Anybody who knows me on a personal level will tell you for certain that I’m a quiet, unemotional person. Only those the closest to me know otherwise, and even I surprise them some times when I talk about what’s going on inside this head of mine. The truth is for as long as I can possibly remember I’ve built a wall. And I mean, this is one serious wall. It’s no flimsy piece of drywall, I’m talking steel surrounded by stone. Like…I think my wall outdoes any castle in history. Emotion is hidden deep within that wall and very few ever see it’s glimmer. Honestly, I surprise myself some times! This has led to the demise of that once aesthetically pleasing physique.

wall_stock_by_colourize_stockFood is comfort and assists in suppressing the emotions. Prior to getting pregnant with my daughter my emotional outlet was much more healthy. I use to ride and train horses every single day, and I went to the gym at least once a day. With the addition of a newborn I was thrown violently into adulthood as a single parent. I lost the time I had while in college to go to the gym. I lost the funds to own a horse so she was sold. I lost the time to go to a barn and ride. So, I turned to food. I was depressed. And honestly I feel like most people would never have known, even those who were closest. I was good at hiding everything. Truth be told I would have denied it if anybody said otherwise. Not because I wanted to hide it, but because it was hidden so deep within me that I couldn’t see it myself. Isn’t that how parents just feel? Like they’re dead inside and they go through the motions of raising and caring for their child? No, it’s not how it’s supposed to be, and I’m aware of that after much self examination.

I wasn’t always in a depressed state over the last 10 years. There have been good times. There has been much fun had where I was actually happy. But at the end of the good time all it took was for me to see the pictures from that day and the downward spiral would begin again.

Here’s where this whole analysis of my emotions and mind take a funny twist.

See, I’m not an overly emotional person and value the fact that I can think more logically about things than most women I know (let’s face it, us females tend to be naturally emotional creatures). Therefore, I like to analyze everything including the people around me. I was always secretly scared to do it to myself. Did I really want to go into why I did certain things and felt certain ways? Would that force me to be in touch with those emotions? One day, not too long ago, I went into a heavy downward spiral again. Crazy thoughts began to flood my mind and even though I knew they were nuts I just couldn’t help myself.

All of us who decide it’s time to make more healthy choices have something that makes us snap out of this indulgencetexture__marble_by_mehreenfreed stage. We spend months or years gaining and feeling horrible about ourselves. I know that maybe logically my reasons probably aren’t the best, but whatever makes me change, huh? See, I’m with this guy. This isn’t our first time together, we took a break previously for his own personal reasons. We live together with my 2 kids. He’s great with the kids, and he does right by our little family. Then I went into this dark place again. I began (and admittedly still do) picking apart everything he did or didn’t do and taking it to heart. He’s not a very affectionate person by nature, and he has his own demons he deals with. My mind would swirl, “why doesn’t he ever want to kiss me, what the hell do I have to do just for a hug – I really could use one, why does he seem uninterested, he never wants to spend time with me – it’s always about his friends and his club…” The thoughts consume me at times. Then I came across a picture of him and his ex-wife, and would think of the pictures I had seen previously….”you know, he never looks at me like that….obviously he cared more for her than he does me, he has yet to tell me he loves me since the first time we were together….” They continued to get worse and worse, filling my mind on a daily basis, often for a large part of the day. I had come to the realization that he didn’t want to touch me because I’m gross. Our sex life has dwindled down to the occasional “let’s get it over with” quick exercise because he can’t stomach me. He doesn’t, and may never, look at me like that because I’m fat. My mind knows better, but I still can’t stop feeling this way. And so I decided to change.

I know that nobody should change to make a guy happy. Truth be told I don’t think he cares as much as I feel he does. Isn’t it strange how you feel certain ways even when you know you’re an idiot? That was definitely the final push to make me want to fix myself. However, I also have become very antisocial, because I don’t like showing myself in public to people. I’m grouchy and tired all of the time because I don’t sleep well from the snoring due to being overweight. Plus, I got tired of hiding in the shower to cry, because, ya’know, I can’t show the weakness. So there ARE other reasons, so don’t be too harsh on me!

My curious mind wants to know if I’m the only one who is crazy and had something like this for the final push for them to get their act together? What finally made you decide to make a change?

A Sea of Coffee

I have an obsession.  A high caloric obsession.  To hell with Dunkin Donuts and their yummy French Vanilla iced coffees.  Why is it that my one weakness shall stare me in the face at every red light? Taunt me from every corner I drive passed?  Sure…people tell me to get it with skim milk and some sugar…but it just doesn’t taste quite the same.  Although I was extremely tempted and nearly frothing at the mouth I am happy to say I avoided the temptation…although tomorrow I can’t promise anything!

Every time I drive by I have to take a chug of water to remind myself that water is all. Water shall cleanse my body of the impurities. Water shall push this fat out of my system. If only that’s all we had to do, huh? Actually, if you’re well hydrated water won’t really help too much with your weight loss efforts. However, chances are that you are dehydrated at some level. Most of us don’t drink enough water in a world of coffee.

How does water help? From what I’ve been told and read water is involved in every one of your body’s functions, including your metabolism. You know, that thing that we complain is too slow and that’s why we have an extra tire or two around the waist? According to doctors (and other people who study this sort of thing) even being 1% dehydrated can negatively impact your metabolism. That’s like….a quarter of a cup of water. I don’t know, I’m just guessing. It’s not much though!

So, what else can we do with this magical clear fluid? Drink a full glass before a meal to feel more full. That makes sense. A study was actually done showing that people who did this ate an average of 75 calories less during that meal. Alright, 75 calories doesn’t seem like much, but think how many it is if you did this at 3 meals a day. That’s 225 calories a day less, plus you’re making sure you take in more water for the day helping to keep you hydrated. If you did this every single day for a year that would be 82,125 calories. OK, maybe the calorie number doesn’t mean that much to you. Think of it like this….3500 calories is equivalent to one pound of body weight. That means by drinking 1 glass of water before 3 meals a day could possibly help you lose 23 pounds in a year. Sounds like an easy way to shed a little bit of weight!

Alright, so I bet you’re preparing to drink your eight 8oz glasses of water today? Wait just a second. Did you know that recommendation is outdated? Maybe that’s what you need, but probably not. New information is out about how much water you need, and it’s not a one size fits all number. The actual requirement depends on a few factors. Where you live, your activity level, and your weight (I feel like this has to do with almost everything in my life) determine how much you have to drink to stay hydrated. If you’re in a warmer climate or are exercising you need more than somebody that isn’t sweating and is sitting around on their computer writing a blog. You should be drinking a half an ounce to 1 ounce for every pound you way. If you’re laying around on a couch in Alaska you’ll need closer to 1/2 an ounce per body weight, if you’re framing houses in New Mexico you’ll need closer to an ounce per body weight. 20160817_084128(1)

So now that I know that I have to drink 120 ounces of water each day minimum I feel the urge to pee. Speaking of which, did you know a sign that you’re well hydrated is clear or very light yellow, odorless urine? Check out the bowl.

New goals for today. Drink a glass of water before every meal. And make sure I drink 120 ounces of water minimum. I just measured my glass. It’s a 16oz glass, but I actually get about 14oz in it when I fill it for a drink. So that means I need 8 and a half of these bad boys. Can I do it? We shall see!

 

 

And So it Begins

Ok, so the first post of the weight loss journey goes here. I have decided to make my main goal to lose 100lbs at the minimum loss of 4lbs each month. While I would like to lose much more than that every month, I am attempting to keep the goals as realistic as possible to avoid disappointment, and also to be able to keep off the weight. It is recommended people lose 1-2lbs each week, which would be 4-8lbs a month (lets aim for the 8 but be satisfied with 4). I always did have a lot of muscle and am medium boned so think that my goal weight would be healthy. Before my first pregnancy I was about 155lbs and was happy with the weight. Nobody actually believed that’s what I weighed. As I near the goal I may decide to stick with 150lbs or maybe lose some more depending on how I feel. For my height my ideal weight would be 111.2 lbs – 150.2 lbs according to BMI recommendations. You can check out your ideal weight here.

I don’t really have a method to my madness yet. At this point I want to concentrate on eating healthier in general, and cutting back on carbs and sugar. I don’t have a specific diet plan that I’m following right now. I want to take this as slow and make the smallest changes as possible so hopefully I can stick with this. Please share the plans that have worked for you. Do you have a weight loss blog? Post the link in the comments so I can follow you and we can share ideas!

The current stats are as follows….
Height: 5’5
Weight: 249.8lbs
BMI: 41.6
Goals:
Height: Well wouldn’t it be nice if we could change this to our advantage?
Weight: 150lbs
BMI: 25

Don’t mind my hideous wallpaper…I rent or it’d be gone! I so love taking pictures…I may be traumatized by the end of this. Luckily I spared you the stereotypical black sports bra/short shorts picture most post. I couldn’t bring myself to be that free with it all. I don’t want to look at myself or let the boyfriend look let alone all of you people (no offense).

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